I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
