we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
