M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
