wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
