He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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