The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
