just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
