Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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