Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
