He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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