3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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