Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
two words...techno handjob
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
