omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
