hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
