Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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