Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
