I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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