I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
