I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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