I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
