i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
