mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
