when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just found a bag of teeth...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
