Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
