i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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