It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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