Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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