SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
