I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
