So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
