sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
