yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
my liver is dry heaving
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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