Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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