I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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