dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
