Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
