Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So vagazzling was a success
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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