I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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