The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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