I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
