apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
