ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
