Kiss
Puke
We're facebook friends in real life
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
