i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
