Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
