Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
