By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
