Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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