my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
