saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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