that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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